Hello everyone! Here I am again.... trying my hardest to become one of those super-cool blogging types. I am insanely jealous of serial bloggers, like my friend Gigi.... she is the QUEEN of this shit...she's amazing...you really should see the empire of data she's collected. Again, insanely jealous...so they say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery... I hope so...because I'm taking quite a few tips from good ol' Gigi, so no one can say I never gave credit where credit is due.
So where to begin.....how about TODAY.... or actually, I think I'll start with how this epiphany of blogging genius came to be.... I was on my computer, deleting history and cache and all that, ya know, the semi-annual clean-up so that you can google somewhat faster than a snail shits, and saw this bookmark to my last attempted blog... I named it 5th degree monotony, a word play off of a great local band here in Florida, it had one entry.. (I told you, I'm horrible....) So, I start reading, it's from like 6 months ago, and to my surprise, I was in exactly the same spot I'm in now. I had just returned from a short vacation back home to Indiana and the blog was a reflection of my trip, and apparently of some frustration involving a boy.... said boy will probably read this...so in advance I apologize...but I thought I'd copy it in here before I delete it from the blogger database. In hindsight now I know I was reading way to much into these events and poeple, but I thought it was a damn good entry, and one that should be included if for no other reason than the nostalgic factor it has.
So, in it's entirety, with names removed as not to piss anyone off, here was what I decided was worthwhile enough to start a blog about 6 months ago:

I can't really tell you what made me decide to start a weblog, but
something about it appeals to me. As it does to countless of other thousands of
people. But what though, why would we record our innermost thoughts in the most public place possible? Maybe it's the thought that others might care about what we have to say...our opinions, our problems, or complicated lives or maybe it's just so it WILL get read by someone. I think that I'm in the latter catagory, a
journal or diary never appealed to me, why would I take the time to write down
my thoughts...for only myself? But this...this is different, there is always the
possibility that someone somewhere might see this and relate or completely
disagree. So that being said, I'll begin my first entry.

I just got back from Indiana this morning. Called in to my clinicals today to catch up on some sleep that I missed this weekend. I went home on a whim. I got a conference call from about 15 of my friends one night a couple of weeks ago, saying that there was a big party planned on "the hill" so I took the weekend off of work, filled up my tank in Boca Raton, and headed north on Thursday afternoon. I had a good time, saw people that I never get to see, and some that I never cared to see at all. But doesn't everyone have that one place that will always be "home"...no matter how long it's been since you've been there, no matter how many other houses and apartments you've lived in, it just doesn't have the same feeling as "home" does. I'm realizing this the more I'm away, the more times I return just to leave again, it seems to intensify every time. It seems that I miss it more, instead of it slowly fading away like one would imagine it would. Memories
fade...people you never keep in touch with fade...but why then can I distinctly
place the smell of the woods around that house...the sounds of every animal and
the tractors in the distance? Shouldn't that fade like other memories? It's just
strange....So, anyway, I saw everyone except for the one person that I was
anticipating. I was disappointed I didn't see . In fact, more than
disapointed, I was considering not even going home when he told me that he
wasn't going to get to see me, but inside I was just hoping that I would at
least get a few minutes alone with him. I was wrong...In fact, I didn't even get
a phone call the entire weekend, not on the drive up, not on Friday night, not
on Saturday, not until I was driving home yesterday, he called. Not that he has
an obligation to me...and not to sound like a typical girl when I say I was
waiting on his call, because I'm really not like that, but it was just the fact
that it's him.....he does something wierd to my brain. I actually care about
seeing him, I start going crazy when I haven't talked to him in a couple of
weeks, I feel like a can connect with him differently than anyone else in my life. I've dated people in the past that haven't meant this much to me, so I can't help but feel
there could be soo much there. I'm not sure what to think about us...I'm stupified
honestly. The one thing I've always prided myself on is my level-headed
thinking, and that I could see the truth and I never fell for the guy tricks,
and I never read more into things than what was there, but here...he's got my
number, he's stumped me. I believe that if I still lived in Indiana, that we
would have at least tried dating, I honestly do. However, I'm in Florida, and he's at home. I'm in school here and he's got job there there, end of story. But this
in-between-dating-in-between-friends thing is confusing. I've never played this
game before, I should have asked for the rulebook before the game started. In a
semi-dating relationship (which is what I'll call intermittent sex for lack of better
terminology) is it OK to ask if they're seeing other people?...or is it off
limits?...Can you ask then who else they've been with?, what about phone
calls?...if the person is 5 states away and phone or internet is your only means
of conversation, how long is acceptable before another call, what's too short,
what's too long? And do I have a right to be upset if I drive 15 hours straight
for a weekend and they have Search and Rescue Training that they forgot about
til 2 days before you come? I just want to be somewhat of a priority to him. He
can tell me or other people he likes me all day long, but until I feel
I'm a priority, I'm going to question it. I really have no right to act like
this at all. I'm the one who suggested taking it one weekend at a time, when I
was home because Florida was a long way away. Now, I'm afraid saying anything, afraid to screw up what is happening now, because I'd rather have this than nothing, so I think I'm just more confused with myself than him....I have to
know what I want before I can know what he wants. I think my next entry will be a rulebook for dating me. Maybe if I take the time to write out the things that I
want in a relationship, the things that DO matter to me, maybe I'll see myself
in a different light. I've had David Gray on repeat this entire time I've been
writing, and I love the lyrics, so I posted them, and for anyone who's never
heard this song...you don't know what you're missing.

This year's love had better last
Heaven knows it's high tide
I've been waiting on my own too long
When ya hold me like you do
It feels so right I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like ya can't go on
Turning circles and time again
It cut like a knife oh now
If ya love me, got to know for sure
Cause it takes something
more this time
Than sweet, sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
When ya kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last
Cause who's to worry If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't ya know this life goes on
Won't ya kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This year's love had better last

So.....after reading that, I decidedto give this another try... I whole hearted try. Who knows, maybe the next entry will be a rulebook....that could be interesting.... but I'd like to keep this blog away from the dating side of my life....that could get frightening and catty...so let's DON'T and say we DID, and skip the intimate details....agreed?...Good! So, same bat time, same bat channel tomorrow. I anyone under the sun gives this a read, I'd love to know!