Two things that should NEVER mix!!

Today, being the genius of a female I am, decided it was time to be a little more independent. To learn the trade of which only men dare to go.... I was going to work on my car. I learned how to change a tire a couple of months ago, and how to use a car jack, so naturally, I'm an expert of all things auto now.

This magical epiphany took place Tuesday, when I got up super early to take my car to get new brakes, it also needed new rotors, but I said screw it, we'll just try the pads and see how that works cuz I think I'm going to trade in my vehicle anyway. So, I went to school, and then to work, and on a delivery, I noticed that my front headlight had burned out. I thought, I'm sure it can't be too difficult to change a headlight, I mean, I'm sure if I just go into AutoZone the guy will pity me enough to just go grab the one I need anyway, so that's what I did. Oh, and I've went 77,000 miles without changing my air filter, so I decided that I'd just, ya know, pick one of those up too while I was in the neighborhood. (I don't even know where the air filter goes!!!) But by god, I'm a quick learner, I can figure this out!!! I'm on a fucking mission! Who needs men! Who needs 'em? I say fuck men, I can do this ON MY OWN!! Yeah....... that happened......NOT...... so....just for the girls reading this... this is a head light:

I was a little confused, 'cuz I always kinda figured a headlight would look kinda like a house light... ya know, screw in and be round and all that....so I was a little confused...but have no fear! I still have...AN OWNER"S MANUAL!!! which tells me that I will have to unhinge my battery holder thingy-mabob to give myself "room" to work. To me, I think that you should drop the engine to have room to work, cuz I have small midget hands and they were not too comfortable in the "work space provided" So, I followed instructions like a good little mechanic.. I twisted and pulled and pressed the tab and viola! it popped out..... so I throw it on the ground, grab the new bulb...(careful not the touch the actual bulb because that's what Fred at AutoZone told me) and I start to put it back in, only...it doesn't fit like the last one.... so I try..and try...and finally, I pull it back out....I grab the old bulb from off of the ground, and compare it to the new bulb. The old one says 9005...the new one says 9006..... well, shit...there's the problem, doofus gave me the wrong bulb!!!
So, here I go, greasy and dirty as hell, sweating my ass off, cuz need I remind you, I live in FLORIDA, in my car to go across the street to autozone.... I'm actually thinkin' I'm kinda cool, ya know, a chick all dirty from working on her car....yeah, that lasted 2 seconds until i go to the counter and explain the situation... "Ezio" is standing behind the counter and I explain I'd like the pick up the RIGHT headlight for my car, since Fred gave me the wrong one....

(You guys reading this know EXACTLY what's coming........ but wait for it....)

Ezio asks very calmly and politely, "Is it your low beam or your high beam?" Low beam..... OK, "Well, that bulb you pulled out, that's your high beam....you need to put that back in...and then look farther to the side of the car, there will be another bulb, that's the one you need to replace"............ yeah......real good......smooth move....... I REMOVED THE WRONG LIGHT!!! and then went on the accuse the AUTOZONE GUY of fucking it up!!!! JESUS!!!

Oh... but the fun doesn't end there, OH NO!! I go home, frustrated and completely embarrassed, by this, and replace the CORRECT bulb, which by the way, makes the other area look like the grand canyon, this was a very, very tight spot in a Honda Civic....but I succeeded, so I replace the high beam I so brazenly removed, and go to test her out before replacing the battery thingy. But much to my shock, my HIGH BEAM not longer works!!!!! I broke the good bulb!!!!! So, back I go, to AutoZone...... I go to the aisle, I pick up the 9005 I need, I go the counter, and Ezio, noticing the complete look of defeat in my eyes, says, " Ya know, if ya want, just pull your car up here and I'll replace it for you." Are you kidding me??? Do I look that pathetic, the car guy is offering to replace it for me, instead of watching the pain and anger I'm going through????? No.....I say, absolutely not.... I'm on a quest and I will do this the right way...ON MY OWN!!!!! He chuckles at me and runs my debit card...and as I leave, says "Let me know how this works out" I reply..." OH, you ain't seen nothing yet... I bought an air filter too and that's next up after I get this headlight in......"

So, after all that, my headlights are working fine...both high and low beams...but I spent 30 minutes looking through my owner's manual and under my hood for my air filter....I still don't know where that is...I don't think Honda's have them... I'm convinced but I gave up... I've conceded to the fact that I am not a car girl. I will stick to softball, health care, trivia games, and Kevin Smith movies..... those are the subjects that I know and I think at 22 I'm just too damn old to learn words like DOHC, bearings, calipers.....I don't have the brain capacity left. I wasted it all on learning every word to Dr. Dre 2001 :-) HaHa So to summarize:

FEMALE + CAR = BIG FUCKING EXPLOSION!!!!

I'm done, I no longer have the drive to do this on my own..I need a good guy that'll just say, here honey, let me do that for you....no, it's ok if your brakes are grinding when you stop, I'll fix them tomorrow.. Oh, you went 9,000 miles without an oil change...that's no biggie, I'll take care of it.... Sure I'll replace your windshield wiperblades, they look like they need it.... HaHa But alas, there is no magic dream guy here, and if there was, I'm sure he'd just tell me to take it to JiffyLube anyway!!! But damn it, a girl can dream.... Hope your night went better than mine... love y'all....